Having my first baby was hard. It was terrifying making thousands of decisions and being responsible for keeping another human being alive and well. It was oftentimes anxiety provoking and a bit of a shock to my system.
I was surprised by the amount of mental space that this tiny perfect human being took up when I became a mother. I was also surprised by the amount of love I felt for her.
If having my first baby was hard, having my second has blown off my lid! It’s challenging beyond what I ever could have imagined and has stretched me far more than I thought I could be stretched.
I am now managing two human beings who have separate needs and wants, all of which are separate from mine- plus I’m sleep deprived. I’m trying to parent both with my full attention which is, I’ve found, impossible. I am pushed and pulled all day long and trying to just be good enough.
These past five months I’ve felt kind of like an exposed nerve that’s constantly being provoked and pushed and prodded and I’m just trying to maintain some semblance of structure and calm. Yet each day I keep going and pushing forward because that’s what parents do.
I’m surprised that I am capable of far more than I could have imagined. When my first child was born I experienced a lot of fear and also felt an all consuming pure love and awe of my little girl.
And with my second child Ive felt many complicated feelings of guilt and loss of the life with just one child, and also the beautiful shock of loving yet another human being in this indescribable, full body, all encompassing way. He’s my beautiful boy!
And then I see my kids together (and even though the older one won’t leave the younger one alone sometimes😅) they have these moments where they laugh and play and my heart just explodes.
My threshold for struggle and pain has risen but so has my threshold for love.
I am a more complicated and layered human being. I’ve got darker bags under my eyes, less neuroses about myself and a whole new level of compassion for humans young and old. I’m way less judgmental because my children have taught me you are born who you are, and whoever that is is perfect.
I’m just me. I care very little about how I look to everyone else because I simply don’t have the time to care! It’s refreshing in a way.
I guess having two kids has given me a higher threshold for ALL that life brings, and even though that can be brutally hard sometimes it also can be enormously soul quenching.
And in the end what more can I ask for than to live life fully and feel it all while raising these beautiful children? Even on my hardest days I wouldn’t change a thing.