Meter’s running!

Ryan’s all fed and clothed and surrounded by toys. I know he’s totally fine, yet he cries and whines as I rush to brush my teeth and perhaps apply a bit of mascara so I don’t look as tired as I feel. I feel his whines and his cries in my bones.

I tell my husband- every day I feel like there’s a meter running. Either Ryan is crying as I try to accomplish something or he’s napping and I don’t know when he’ll wake up. Or, he’s perfectly content and then Emmy needs something. I’m constantly running on borrowed time.

Since Ryan’s my second baby, I do know it changes. As he grows and becomes more independent, time slowly opens up again.

One day I’ll brush my teeth in peace again. For now, the meter’s running and I’m on my children’s time. I’m on their beautiful, slow, wondrous time.

It’s a Small World

I went out to dinner with a friend I’ve known since we were kids. It was so good for my soul to reconnect and remember there are all these other things about me besides being a mom.

I’m living my dream right now. I’ve got an amazing husband and beautiful, healthy children. I’m with them every single day. It’s both everything I dreamed of and nothing like I imagined. And I’m so very grateful.

Having dinner with my friend made me realize something- even though this is exactly where I want to be, my world is so small right now. I’m so IN IT day to day, this kind of thick haze of raising small children, that I didn’t realize just how small my world can feel.

Every day is centered around my little family. Every day I walk the dog. I get the kids dressed, fed, cleaned. I keep them entertained with toys and books, play dates and classes. I schedule doctor’s appointments and bring them in when they’re unexpectedly sick. I get them to bed and wake with the baby at night. I hug them when they’re sad, and sit with them when they’re angry.

I build block towers and play games, always trying to invent new ones that can involve a precocious three year old and a curious seven month old. My favorite is “giant baby” a game where my three year old builds a tower and the “giant baby” enters dramatically in my arms and knocks it down.

Every single day I’m packing and repacking snacks, loading and unloading the stroller. I’m coordinating drop offs and picks ups. I’m trying to get the baby down for a nap while also keeping the toddler entertained enough not to interrupt and wake him. I’m taking deep breaths when the constant demands of small children begin to wear away at me as my body cries out for more sleep but that’s just not possible.

I met my friend for dinner in midtown which meant I strolled through Times Square on my way. I can’t imagine a bigger more bustling place than that. The stark contrast between the loudness and bustle there and the loudness and bustle of my little home hit me. “Oh right”, I thought, “there’s a whole other world out there.”

Parents of grown children are often quick to tell parents of young children to “enjoy every minute” and to savor it because it passes so quickly. I wonder if they forget how slowly the days pass when you’re in it. I wonder if they remember that sometimes daddy coming home ten minutes later than expected can feel like an eternity. Or how a week without school can feel so drawn out that each day feels like a month. It can feel like I’m sinking sometimes and I’m not sure how to stay afloat… but somehow I do.

I know what they mean though because I look back at my days when my daughter was a baby and wonder where it all went. How is she almost four? If I could, I’d go back and live just one day when she was a baby and soak it all in. I did my best to be present at the time, but there’s something so sweet about nostalgia.

Mine is a small world now; it feels like the size of the tip of a pin. I know as my children grow my world will widen and eventually it will be big again and include more of the “me” things. For now, I’ll wade my way through. I’ll soak it all in and forgive myself when I can’t soak it in because I just have to survive.

My world will be big again. For now though, I love living in my own small world. And years from now when I see a mother of young kids I won’t tell her to “savor every moment.”  I’ll tell her “I know it’s hard and you’re doing such a great job.” And I’ll smile to myself and feel the ache in my heart that misses my small precious world.

The Parenting Threshold: becoming a mom of two

Having my first baby was hard. It was terrifying making thousands of decisions and being responsible for keeping another human being alive and well. It was oftentimes anxiety provoking and a bit of a shock to my system.

I was surprised by the amount of mental space that this tiny perfect human being took up when I became a mother. I was also surprised by the amount of love I felt for her.

If having my first baby was hard, having my second has blown off my lid! It’s challenging beyond what I ever could have imagined and has stretched me far more than I thought I could be stretched.

I am now managing two human beings who have separate needs and wants, all of which are separate from mine- plus I’m sleep deprived. I’m trying to parent both with my full attention which is, I’ve found, impossible. I am pushed and pulled all day long and trying to just be good enough.

These past five months I’ve felt kind of like an exposed nerve that’s constantly being provoked and pushed and prodded and I’m just trying to maintain some semblance of structure and calm. Yet each day I keep going and pushing forward because that’s what parents do.

I’m surprised that I am capable of far more than I could have imagined. When my first child was born I experienced a lot of fear and also felt an all consuming pure love and awe of my little girl.

And with my second child Ive felt many complicated feelings of guilt and loss of the life with just one child, and also the beautiful shock of loving yet another human being in this indescribable, full body, all encompassing way. He’s my beautiful boy!

And then I see my kids together (and even though the older one won’t leave the younger one alone sometimes😅) they have these moments where they laugh and play and my heart just explodes.

My threshold for struggle and pain has risen but so has my threshold for love.

I am a more complicated and layered human being. I’ve got darker bags under my eyes, less neuroses about myself and a whole new level of compassion for humans young and old. I’m way less judgmental because my children have taught me you are born who you are, and whoever that is is perfect.

I’m just me. I care very little about how I look to everyone else because I simply don’t have the time to care! It’s refreshing in a way.

I guess having two kids has given me a higher threshold for ALL that life brings, and even though that can be brutally hard sometimes it also can be enormously soul quenching.

And in the end what more can I ask for than to live life fully and feel it all while raising these beautiful children? Even on my hardest days I wouldn’t change a thing.

Hazy Moments

My mind races.

I know I need sleep, but I lay awake scrolling through old photos on my phone. What did Emily look like at Ryan’s age? I can’t remember.

I look at photos of her at almost five months. I can’t really recall this stage. How was my big girl once this baby? I have a memory of it somewhere, but it’s so hazy.

Will I recall how adorable he was at almost five months with a smile that lit up a whole room? Will I remember the cute things she said when she was 3 like “yittle” and “yots and yots”?

The questions don’t stop. My mind doesn’t stop.

But I so desperately need sleep so I put down my phone and close my eyes; wishing for just a few consecutive hours before we begin again, and I see their sweet faces in the morning.

Now it’s morning. I didn’t get much sleep again. Just two hour pockets here and there. I feel like I haven’t slept at all.

I nurse him as I write this and wonder how I’ll get through today. I hear her waking, her dad goes to her.

Another day with my two that I’ll probably store away somewhere. Another day where I have the gift of watching them grow, even if I see everything through the fog of my exhaustion.

Will they remember how I was always there doing my best even when it wasn’t so great? I hope somewhere deep inside they’ll know. Maybe it will be in a hazy way, but I hope in some way they’ll remember.

In My Bones

I’m tired down to my bones.

I can feel it in the bags under my eyes, the way my brain works slowly. I can feel it when I can’t quite form the sentences I mean to say. I feel it when I forget to do the simple things- put the milk away, give the dog another scoop of food before he reminds me with a stare. I feel it when I have a moment to rest with my baby but am too tired to sleep and I write instead.

I’m in love down to my bones.

I can feel it when he smiles. I can feel it when he pushes strongly into his legs, wanting to stand and keep up with his sister, his head bobbling. I feel it when she rocks her dolls gently and says “shhh don’t worry you’re not a-yone.” I feel it when she hugs me out of nowhere or makes me laugh with a silly voice. Or when she makes her brother giggle just by talking to him.

I feel it in my bones- every day in ways big and small- love radiating through the fog of my exhaustion, lighting the way ahead. It’s the fuel that keeps me going, that kept my mom going, that kept her mom going.

And so here I am. Laying beside my son. Tired and in love. I can feel it in my bones.

Life Rafts

This transition from one kid to two has been the biggest challenge of my life so far. There are massive emotions all around, and my sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional self doesn’t always respond well to them. Some days I am pushed so far past my limit that I’m not certain how I’ll get through it all. Here are a few things that have helped keep me afloat when I felt like I was drowning.


I’m lucky to have the support of some amazing babysitters whose presences have been a lifesaver and gotten me through some particularly difficult days. They’ve gone above and beyond to step in to help, and have even taken the initiative to remind me to take time for myself.

Fellow Moms

I’m lucky to have the support of friends and fellow moms who I write to at all hours of the day and night. They write back when I text things like “how is it only 8:20am???” or “I’m so tired I don’t know how I’m going to function right now.” These conversations make me feel less alone and more connected to the outside world.

Social Media

I recently talked with a friend about how there’s way too much pressure on parents nowadays. Social media paints these pictures of how we “should” do things and if we fall short it feels like we’ve failed.

On the flip side though, social media holds the potential to make us feel less alone. I can imagine before social media parents probably felt the same isolation I sometimes feel, but had no way of knowing there were other parents out their feeling the same way.

So long as we are discerning about who we follow and how often we check our social media pages, I think it is a helpful tool for parents just trying to get through the day.


Days when my husband is able to come home early make a world of difference in my anxiety level. Weekends are the best because daddy is home! I’m also blessed to have the grandparents living nearby so they step in when they can and fill in the gaps. Without all of them, I don’t know where I’d be!

My biggest lessons of having two children have been to surrender to the chaos, accept help when it’s offered, and to offer myself, my husband and my children grace during this heightened time of stress.

We will get through. We will wonder how the heck we did it. And we’ll remember all the blessings above that helped us float on through.

One Day I’ll Miss This

“One day I’ll miss this.” I try to tell my exhausted self as she wakes us all up at 5:50am after I’ve been awake since 3am with Ryan.

“I want mommy.” I hear her voice boom down the hallway. She repeats it over and over. I don’t want Ryan to wake so I get up.

“Mommy I lost my ding that picks up dings again.” She’s talking about that gray tool from her doctor kit that she slept with. She’s obsessed with that thing.

I walk to the kitchen and silently fill up my water bottle. I tell her I’ll look for it in a minute. I take a sip and breathe.

Using my phone as a flashlight I peer under her bed and find her “ding that picks up dings”

“Ganks mom!”

“Mommy I want to put on my undies and drink my milk and watch my screem.”

I tell her to go pick out undies and I’ll get the “screem” (an iPad) that I hid in my room yesterday after she was too rough with her brother. “Tomorrow’s a new day” I had told her, and she would get another chance to use it as long as she was kind to her brother.

We change her out of her pull up into her undies and I pour her a glass of milk. I set her up in her nest- surrounded by pillows and place her milk on the table next to her.

“Mommy dis isn’t the show I wanted to watch. I wanted Captain Underpants.”

I find the show she wants. “Ganks mom!”

And here she is now. Drinking her milk and watching her show. I think of all the shame thrown at parents for screen time and think of how useless that pressure is. Our screen is giving us all a few more moments of peace this morning.

It’s 6am and I’m tired to my bones. This is motherhood. This is survival mode.

One day I’ll miss this.