I am almost 36 weeks pregnant with my second baby and am home full time with my intelligent, persistent, vivacious, no-nonsense three year old, Emmy. I’ve never been so tired in my life.
Today I asked the babysitter to come over for a couple hours so I could lay down, and I passed out within 5 minutes. Now the sitter magically got Emmy to take a nap (something I have not done in over two weeks) and I find myself with a moment to myself. I haven’t written in a while and told myself I’m going to be interrupted shortly so why even bother? But then I remembered, real life is not perfect, manufactured and filtered like so many social media pages. Real life is messy and many things all at the same time. So I write, freely, without editing and cutting and pasting. I write what I feel.
I need to remind myself daily it’s okay to feel exactly what I’m feeling. I can be as tired as I’ve ever been and be as grateful as I’ve ever been. I can love my daughter so much that it hurts, and I can get so angry at her that I want to punch a wall. I can be excited to meet my baby boy and be terrified at the thought of raising a newborn and a toddler. I can be proud of what my body can do and also be put-off by the massiveness of my belly and the roundness of my current double chin. I can be happy and sad and angry and fulfilled and lonely and grateful all at the same time.
Just as I encourage my daughter to be unapologetically herself, I can be unapologetically me. So that’s what I do. Because I’m 36 weeks pregnant with a toddler, and there’s really no room for bullshitting. I just haven’t got the energy.
So despite my bone-deep exhaustion and many aches and pains. Despite a belly that feels it may burst and hormones that cause me to cry every day, it’s back to mom-ing I go.
I’ve never been so tired, and there’s no where I’d rather be then here- with my huge belly and double chin, glancing at my daughter as she sleeps so peacefully.
I have so much fun making these videos, and this one is my favorite by far! I love how my dog Romeo spontaneously joined in on the fun. This practice included forward bends, hip openers, Rhodesian Ridgeback kisses, and dog/baby bonding. The end is the best. It seems both dog and baby enjoy the sound of OM!
I was supposed to teach a yoga class this coming Saturday, but unfortunately it got postponed. I’m thankful for the opportunity still because it got me moving and sequencing and planning classes again. Emily joined me yesterday as I practiced.
I tried something new with this video and featured a few moments in real time with real sound when I thought Emily was particularly adorable! I hope you enjoy.
I was a timid sixth grader when I would occasionally take the bus home from school. Middle school was hard, and it was terrifying to have no friends on the bus with me. The older popular kids would sit in the back. The younger kids would sit in the front. I would sit in the middle row trying my best to be invisible.
One afternoon two older boys were talking loudly a few rows behind me. They proudly talked about masturbating. I pretended I couldn’t hear them, their words deeply uncomfortable for me. One of them said to the other, “I’m so horny all the time I could get turned on by anything. Seriously.” With that he looked towards me and said, ”I could even get horny from THAT.” I looked up and saw him pointing to me, to “that”.
Continue reading “Body Worth”
I woke up from yet another night of barely any sleep, and decided despite my exhaustion – which had been a staple of my existence for over 2 months – I would solider on. Something inside of me surrendered and I said aloud, “ I accept that I’m not going to sleep well for a while.” I decided that today I would take Emily to Mommy and Me Yoga, and I would wear my rainbow pants.
I drank my two cups of coffee, a necessity at this point, and dug out the rainbow pants that had been buried in my drawer for over a year. Despite their drawstring waist (which could have enabled me to wear them throughout my pregnancy) I had consciously decided not to wear them. I really struggled with the attention my pregnant belly brought me, and the last thing I needed was more attention from my brightly colored pants.
Continue reading “My Rainbow Pants and Me”