Mom-ing 36 Weeks Pregnant

I am almost 36 weeks pregnant with my second baby and am home full time with my intelligent, persistent, vivacious, no-nonsense three year old, Emmy. I’ve never been so tired in my life.

Today I asked the babysitter to come over for a couple hours so I could lay down, and I passed out within 5 minutes. Now the sitter magically got Emmy to take a nap (something I have not done in over two weeks) and I find myself with a moment to myself. I haven’t written in a while and told myself I’m going to be interrupted shortly so why even bother? But then I remembered, real life is not perfect, manufactured and filtered like so many social media pages. Real life is messy and many things all at the same time. So I write, freely, without editing and cutting and pasting. I write what I feel.

I need to remind myself daily it’s okay to feel exactly what I’m feeling. I can be as tired as I’ve ever been and be as grateful as I’ve ever been. I can love my daughter so much that it hurts, and I can get so angry at her that I want to punch a wall. I can be excited to meet my baby boy and be terrified at the thought of raising a newborn and a toddler. I can be proud of what my body can do and also be put-off by the massiveness of my belly and the roundness of my current double chin. I can be happy and sad and angry and fulfilled and lonely and grateful all at the same time.

Just as I encourage my daughter to be unapologetically herself, I can be unapologetically me. So that’s what I do. Because I’m 36 weeks pregnant with a toddler, and there’s really no room for bullshitting. I just haven’t got the energy.

So despite my bone-deep exhaustion and many aches and pains. Despite a belly that feels it may burst and hormones that cause me to cry every day, it’s back to mom-ing I go.

I’ve never been so tired, and there’s no where I’d rather be then here- with my huge belly and double chin, glancing at my daughter as she sleeps so peacefully.

A Deep Exhale

Yesterday Em and I had a busy and stressful (for me) day. We had a follow up appointment with an orthopedist concerning Em’s hips. Being that she was a frank breech baby she was born with a risk of having hip dysplasia. For that reason, she was given an ultrasound on her hips at 6 weeks old and 3 months old.

We had a bit of a scare about her hips when she was six weeks old which left me a bit traumatized. You can read the back story here.

Our appointment was way across town which meant trekking across the city in the cold. I felt tense but breathed deeply and Em handled it like a champ.

We got there a half hour early. I know people say once you have a kid you’re always late but I haven’t found that (yet). Being late for something makes me SO anxious that I’m usually ridiculously early, even with my baby. I’m not saying this is a good thing. It’s just what always happens!

Being so early made me panic a bit wondering what the heck we would do for a half hour; however, The Hospital for Special Surgery happens to be amazing and very child-friendly. 

There was a woman playing ukulele in the waiting area! She asked for requests and gave Em her own show. She sang Itsy Bitsy Spider and I’m a Little Teapot. Em was entranced and so was I. When she sang “You Are My Sunshine” and changed the words of the first verse to be happier (like I do) I cried.

We got called in early and met with the lovely doctor who said Em’s hips looked great but they would do an x-ray just to be sure. When I asked how safe an x-ray was he explained it would be the same amount of radiation as a plane ride to California. We did that plane ride with Em so using that analogy soothed my worries.

We went across the hallway to get her x-ray and Em said “hi!” to everyone we saw. The receptionist. The 10 year old boy wearing headphones and watching a show on his phone. The mom waiting with him. The technician who walked by. She also pulled out my ponytail, snuggled into me tight and kept kissing me. Did she know I was scared? I don’t know. But she made me feel better.

As for the x-ray, I consider it a miracle moment. She laid perfectly still as we sang the ABC’s. It was shockingly easy as pie!

In the end we got confirmation that Em’s hips are developing normally and we don’t need to go back. I’m more relieved that I can explain here. The only way I could describe it is that Em having hip problems has been weighing on me since I was pregnant and learned she was breech. Now it feels like that weight is released and I am ten pounds lighter.

When we got home, I was physically and emotionally SPENT. My back was killing me from wearing 21 pound Em in the carrier all afternoon. I rolled out my mat. I rolled out Em’s mat, and this video is what happened.

I just want to say I’m so grateful for my healthy, sweet, social, communicative girl. My heart explodes every single day and I’m a way better person because of her.

My Breech Baby

I was blessed with an easy and smooth pregnancy until 28 weeks when I learned my baby girl was breech. While I knew that I still had plenty of time for her to turn, there was this nagging voice inside of me that knew she was comfortable the way she was positioned.

I refused to accept it. Fear set in. I had always envisioned a natural childbirth, and the thought that I may need a c-section if she didn’t flip was frightening to me. This just couldn’t be; this wasn’t what I wanted! So began my two-month journey of trying to get her to turn.

Continue reading “My Breech Baby”